As my faithful readers know, I am a fully licensed and accredited psychic. Occasionally, I like to drop a few predictions just to keep my skills up. You probably remember the post in which I foretold the prognostication of a certain groundhog before he even poked his head up. ("I see him seeing shadow," I bellowed. And I was right! And so was he! Six more weeks of winter. Bleah!)
Sorry folks, but I've got to tell the truth, however uncomfortable it be.
But enough! Here is a new batch of my famous and never wrong predictions, presented for your smirking skepticism, which is soon to be humbled approbation.
Let's start with a warmup one:
Fur of newt
Gill of bat
Tell me, spirits
Where it's at!
PREDICTION: Harriet Miers will withdraw her Supreme Court bid.
Any doubts? Check this out. Surprised? Not me. I never am.
OK, let's look deeper into the future. Deeper. Images grow watery. They are still in flux. Events, not yet transpired, whip about the vast prairie of outstretched time. Deeper I gaze. I look very serious, but also very handsome. There is a bit of product in my hair, but not so much that it feels stiff to the touch. Deeper. Further. Handsome. I stare.
Here goes:
Ear of fish
Foot of slug
Tell me the future
So I don't have to shrug!
PREDICTION #1: I, Brian Kunath, will try and shed some unwanted pounds. It will be difficult. The feast of Thanksgiving will prove a speed bump, as will the holidays that follow. But I will try. This time I will.
PREDICTION #2: I, Brian Kunath, will stop smoking. Seriously. No fucking around this time. I will briefly consider getting the patch, but my ego will prevail and I'll quit "cold turkey." Later, I'll wonder if that strategy was erroneous. Perhaps. Perhaps.
PREDICTION #3: The gym, four times a week. Why not? It's right next door to where I, Brian Kunath, am employed. I know it's easy to want to go home after work, especially when it gets cold out. But if I am to fulfill PREDICTION #1, I must first fulfill this prophecy.
And now the future obscures. All future light and sound draw back with a great swirling, sucking sound until I am deposited again in the here and now, drenched in the sweat of success. I am exhausted and will sleep for several hours under my desk at work. Prognostication is a rough beast to wrestle.
As for my predictions, just you wait. After all, it's all you can do -- you who know only the past and present. I pity you. Sometimes I do.
5 comments:
Prediction #4- Upon completion of Predictions 1-3, girlfriend scowlings will decrease by 23%.
Prediction #5: You will make the same predictions next year.
GRAND PREDICTION: a pitch for Verizon will come a knocking on your door (in the form of an over zealous Creative Director) and your optimistic teeotaling prognostications will give way to a plethora of dissipation, dissoluteness and debauchery. For you will be so totally consumed for a fortnight that you will awaken in the sum of 14 days to know not where you are or...whence you came.
I see we have many psychics on the comments board.
I knew you were going to say that.
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