A post for men only.

Last Friday, I had a ten minute cab-ride conversation with a male and female friend about the differences between how women and men communicate. It's a big issue because, while we speak the same language, we don't process what we hear the same way. Not by a long shot.

I am presenting our conclusions here. Fellas, get your notebooks out. (That is, if you even know how to write, you insensitive jerks!)

Solutions are not the solution
When a woman is telling you about a problem, say, at work, most men make the mistake of offering a solution. "Why don't you tell your coworker to stop acting like that?"

Such knee-jerk offerings are often met with a heavy sigh and/or roll of the eyes. "You just don't get it, do you?" they reply. And we feel stupid, because, in fact, we don't get it.

My fellow idiots, the next time you find yourself at the receiving end of such a complaint, try the following:

Her: "Cindy constantly undercuts me in meetings. It makes me so mad!"

You: "I'm sorry to hear that. Cindy is obviously deranged. It must be hard working with a deranged person like Cindy. I can imagine you feel hurt by her actions, and I empathize with you. It would hurt me too. Let's take a moment to quietly feel that hurt together. You deserve better than that. Much better. I'm sorry if my voice cracked a little there. I just can't stand to hear about such injustice, especially when it happens to someone as wonderful and talented as you. Perhaps Cindy has a bad relationship with her mother. Tell me about your relationship with your mother."

Of course, you're walking a fine line here. Such a strategy can quickly backfire if she concludes that you are wuss or a sarcastic asshole. Which brings me to my next point:

Men are surface listeners, women are interpretive listeners.
Say you tell a guy friend: "I went to the store and bought some tomatoes that were on sale."

In all likelihood, he'll conclude the following: "He bought some tomatoes that were on sale."

Let's look at the same exchange with a woman.

Her: "So what did you do today?"

You: "I went to the store and bought some tomatoes that were on sale."

She might interpret this as: "He went to the store. That shows initiative. And he bought tomatoes, which means he knows how to cook. A man who cooks is a man who knows how to take care of himself and the people he loves. That's good. And the tomatoes were on sale: he's good with money! Unless he bought inferior tomatoes just to save a few cents. Would he do that if I were dating him? Would he dare try to pawn off some rotten tomatoes on me -- maybe hide them in a sauce -- just to keep a few nickels? What kind of a person would do that? A real man would get the good tomatoes. What a rat. He probably wouldn't make a good father. Next!"

And all this happens before you manage to blurt out your next Cro-Magnon sentence. Which might be something about socks or peanut butter, or some other inanity that we men find ourselves going on about.

Let's run through this tomato scenario again and see if we can improve the outcome.

Her: "So what did you do today?"

You: "I thought some more about how unfair it is that Cindy is being mean to you at work."

All this leads me to my point: Men are from Mars and women are from some other planet, like Jupiter or Mercury or someplace. I wish there was some sort of self-help book I could buy to help me sort these differences out.

That's all I have to say. A lot of this probably isn't news. Or even new. I may have heard these points on TV or in a standup routine. I don't know, I have a bad memory. Ladies, I hope I haven't offended you by posting this. Or offended you by calling you "ladies." I was just trying to share my feelings. Even if they were of the typically male chauvinistic variety.

Seriously, I'm sorry. No, you're right. I know. Yes, I am a jerk. I see that now. Next time I'll think before I...What's that? I didn't...But...