Ever read a message board? They're hilarious. So full of passion, anger and LARGE CAP FLAMING. You can almost feel the Dorito-flecked spray of fanboy spittle.
What's interesting is that, as a message post gets longer and more populated, it begins to take on a predictable pattern. It's like a sociology experiment: a mini community asserts itself and posters take on well defined roles within that community. They don't mean to -- we all want to believe that we bring a unique perspective to the discussion. But it's seemingly unavoidable.
Here is an example of a message board pattern.
FOUNDER: I have an opinion that I want to share about the subject at hand. Didja ever notice that while most people think this, it's actually not this but the other thing?
SUPPORTER: True :-)
DISSENTER: Your point is ridiculous. It's obviously this, because of these points. Nice try, but you're way off.
FOUNDER: Don't say my point is ridiculous. I was merely offering an OPINION, which is legal in America. You should try to have a reasonable discussion instead of just attacking me. But no, you're too stupid to be reasonable.
MEDIATOR: Sheesh, guys. This is supposed to be a discussion. Can we quit the name calling and talk like adults?
-A flower in the woods reflects all the light of midnight stars.
FLAMER: FUCK YOU MEDIATOR I THINK YOURE A DUMB BITCH. NONE OF YOU IDIOTS KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE SUBJECT AT HAND OR ELSE YOU WOULDNT BE WASTING YOUR TIME ON THIS STOOPID BOARD SO FUCK YOU.
SARCASTIC ANTI-FLAMER: Ummm. Flamer? You should really learn to spell if you're going to question our intelligence. This is an adult discussion, so you really shouldn't pipe in until you're 18, OK? And by the way, when you WRITE IN ALL CAPS, IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.
FLAMER: YOU SUCK DONKEY DICK YOU DUMB FAGIT.
ANGRY ANTI-FLAMER: Flamer, you are such a little fuckhead. Why don't you do us a favor and go beat off to animal porn, you dickless wonder.
FLAMER: YOUR THE DICKHEAD YOU STUPID DICKHEAD AND YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME I'M A COLLEGE GRAJUATE AND I PROBALY MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU SO FUCK OFF.
MATURE ANTI-FLAMER: Hi all. Just wanted to say that you should ingore Flamer. He's just looking for attention. If you ignore him, he'll eventually go away. Now, back to the discussion. ;-)
SUPPORTER: Well said, Mature Anti-Flamer! :-)
INTELLECTUAL: Founder, you state that while most people assert this about the subject at hand, the truth is actually the other thing. Let me clear a few things up for you. For years, the other thing was proposed as a viable alternative to this, but if you read THIS AUTHOR, you'll find that he conclusively rules out the other thing in his FANCY TITLED ARGUMENT. Furthermore, this is the real truth because of A, B and C.
FOUNDER: I still think it's the other thing.
MEDIATOR: You both make good points!
-A flower in the woods reflects all the light of midnight stars.
FLAMER: This message has been deleted by the administrator
9 comments:
true.
Insightful. I'd add one thing:
ANGRY LINKER: This issue was already discussed weeks ago. LINK LINK LINK LINK!
Yes, but where else can we discuss the Liberal campaign against Christmas?
I used to regularly visit a few newsgroups, but they all devolve into the imbecilic scenario you describe. And it's especially enlightening when the group is something like alt.fan.howard.stern, and the discussion at hand is whether the latest Beetlejuice segment was funny or not. I can only imagine the thoughtful dialogue of the wrestling-oriented groups... I'd check it out for myself but my gentle constitution can only handle so much.
As for the liberal campaign against Christmas, Donna and I got our tree this week at Lowe's. I don't know this company's political leanings, but their sign advertised "holiday trees." Next year, I'll be sure to pick up a few for Arbor Day.
"Holiday trees" should really be called "Pre-Crucificion Saplings."
YOU DONKEY-DICK SUCKERS!
YOU'RE POST IS STUPID, YOU DUMB BASTARD!!!! I'M ANGRY AND I DONT KNOW WHY!!!!
Oh I love catagories! So this makes me the LAZY LURKING SARCASTIC ANGRY ANTI-FLAMER, because everything they said pissed me off and I have all sorts of marvelous witty things to say, but I don't want to bother signing up so I can post.
Ha, yeah there are actually plenty of categories left over.
Like the SELF-IMPORTANT SCOFFER, who says things like: "I never visit these boards and now I know why. All you losers are just whining on and on about stupid stuff. I have more important things to do than this. GET A LIFE!"
Then there's MR. CONSPIRACY, who is always a "Mr." and writes stuff like: "If you think the answer is this or the other thing you are sadly mistaken. I have actually been to places you would be afraid to visit and learned what the REAL truth is. So keep believing the LIES, you sad little sheep."
But I probably am most like the poster that ghostgirl describes.
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