These church doors only open in the front, buddy.

The Vatican has released a nine page document on gays in the clergy. The conclusion: You can become a priest if you're kinda gay, but not if you're Carson Kressley gay.

According to the document, men with a "transitory problem" (a brief dalliance in seminary school, for example) can be admitted to the priesthood, as long as they've been non-gay for at least three years. Men with "deep seated" homosexual "problems," however, should not be admitted. The Vatican provides no definition for "deep seated," other than the cheeky connotation of the term itself. Very punny, Catholic Church.

Why the document? The Vatican is reacting to the wave of child molestation problems that have plagued it of late. They figure that by winnowing out actively gay priests, they'll solve the problem of molestation. This despite the fact that experts find no link between homosexuality and child abuse.

Finally, a poorly-defined solution to a faulty supposition!

I love the tortured logic of the church.

It's not just that they insist on viewing homosexuality as a choice.

It's not just that they concoct various degrees of homosexuality, assign values to those categories and then fail to define the illusory differences.

It's not just that they insist on equating homosexuality with criminal sexual behavior.

It's that they go through all these machinations, these twists and turns of language, simply to preserve the perceived intent of words written in a book more than two-thousand years ago.

But clearly the real problem is that the document leaves a gray area around what constitutes intractable, and therefore unacceptable, gayness. Perhaps there should be a test of some sort that is designed to separate the merely curious from the chronically fabulous. Something like this:

1. Have applicants recite the following and calculate level of lisp: "Christ once slumbered in sheepskin sheets."


2. Q: Who deserves sainthood more: Mother Theresa or Bette Midler?


3. Q: Jesus: Hot or not?


4. Q: Which of the following is not one of the seven deadly sins: Avarice, Gluttony, Love Handles


5. Q: If the Sacred Host transforms into the literal body of Christ upon consecration, does that mean it's Atkins friendly?