Some MILF ruined my computer

Two months ago I clicked on a link (the word MILF was involved), and my computer froze up like a crazy block of ice. (Instant simile improver: add "crazy" before any banal comparison. It lights up wordplay like a crazy sun.)

(No more parenthetical sidebars, I promise.)

Faced with an unresponsive computer, I tried to reboot. No go. So I unplugged it and tried to restart. The computer booted to that screen that says "Your computer shut down unexpectedly," and lists options to boot in safe mode. I tried that and the same screen came up. I tried various other boot strategies, all to no avail. I unplugged my computer again, walked away and watched some TV. I went back, plugged it back in and tried again. Same result.

I opened my computer and checked the connections. I blew some dust from the motherboard. I disconnected the hard drive and reconnected it. I sat and stared, crosslegged on the floor. I put my pants back on. Then I reassembled the computer and started it up. Nothing.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I didn't try everything. I did. You're thinking, but what about that one thing? Yes, that one thing, too. I tried everything, and nothing worked.

So I left it alone for two months.

I did buy a rescue disk, but all it did was show me the files I couldn't access and tell me that my registry hive was corrupted. I used my work computer to find a fix for corrupted registry hives on the MS website, but learned that I couldn't use it on my computer because my OS was factory-installed.

Things were getting desperate. With no computer, I found myself going to bed earlier and rising with the sun. I was exercising and eating right. With no Internet access, my sexual fantasies were becoming normal and healthy. A single box of Kleenex would last weeks.

Well, turns out Jon Clarke had the exact same thing happen with his Sony computer, and he told me about a disk you could purchase from Sony to resolve the problem. I don't know if he was also hunting for MILFs when his problem occurred. If so, it would confirm my suspicion that hot, sexually promiscuous housewives have plotted to destroy computers.

I went to the Sony website, but it was one of the worst user interfaces I've ever tried to navigate. So I called the number and some lady with a MILF voice took my order. I gave her my credit card number and a few days later I got the disk.

So now I have a new computer. Kind of. That's because I had to reformat my hard drive and start from scratch -- with all the factory-installed settings and crapware that originally came with my Sony, but minus the files and programs I managed to acquire over the past year. So it's like new. In a way.

But at least it booted. All it needed was a test. I performed a quick search for MILFs and clicked on a link. It worked.