What am I listening to right THIS second on iTunes?

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you.
And from above you how I sank into your soul,
Into that secret place where no one dares to go.

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking.
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die;
Each one a little more than he could dare to try.

Hi Uncle Bart!

Me and Clarissa are staying in a really cool hotel. Bermuda has everything! We scuba dived a reef yesterday and the marine life was beautiful. Clarissa saw a barracuda and almost spit out her mouthpiece. I laughed! I hope you get this email. I know how you hate to use the computer we bought you last year. Anyway, hope you're well. Please send money.

-Baxter

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RE: Hi Uncle Bart!

I have received your correspondence on one of the contraptions here at the Sun Sentinel and I am dictating this response through the capable hands of my secretary, Miss Dillers.

What in the hell are you talking about, Baxter? Your late father would be angrier than a mullered scuttlepossum if he knew that you left the university to follow a path of decadence and stupidity with some strumpet you met in a tavern. And for the record, your brother, the honorable Judge Jackson, purchased that computer for me. All you did was plug it in and proceed to play games on it for the next four hours! I haven't turned the damned thing on since. What the hell do I need a computer for? I already have a typewriter and a television set (which your brother also purchased for me).

Let me be clear, Baxter. Drop that hussy off at the nearest cabana and get your skinny butt back to the university post haste! I've talked to Dean Chambers and he has agreed to reinstall you in the dormitory so you can continue your studies. I guess that answers your last question, which is the only reason you dried off long enough to write me: No! I will not send you any money!

-Bartholomew Jackson

Some MILF ruined my computer

Two months ago I clicked on a link (the word MILF was involved), and my computer froze up like a crazy block of ice. (Instant simile improver: add "crazy" before any banal comparison. It lights up wordplay like a crazy sun.)

(No more parenthetical sidebars, I promise.)

Faced with an unresponsive computer, I tried to reboot. No go. So I unplugged it and tried to restart. The computer booted to that screen that says "Your computer shut down unexpectedly," and lists options to boot in safe mode. I tried that and the same screen came up. I tried various other boot strategies, all to no avail. I unplugged my computer again, walked away and watched some TV. I went back, plugged it back in and tried again. Same result.

I opened my computer and checked the connections. I blew some dust from the motherboard. I disconnected the hard drive and reconnected it. I sat and stared, crosslegged on the floor. I put my pants back on. Then I reassembled the computer and started it up. Nothing.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I didn't try everything. I did. You're thinking, but what about that one thing? Yes, that one thing, too. I tried everything, and nothing worked.

So I left it alone for two months.

I did buy a rescue disk, but all it did was show me the files I couldn't access and tell me that my registry hive was corrupted. I used my work computer to find a fix for corrupted registry hives on the MS website, but learned that I couldn't use it on my computer because my OS was factory-installed.

Things were getting desperate. With no computer, I found myself going to bed earlier and rising with the sun. I was exercising and eating right. With no Internet access, my sexual fantasies were becoming normal and healthy. A single box of Kleenex would last weeks.

Well, turns out Jon Clarke had the exact same thing happen with his Sony computer, and he told me about a disk you could purchase from Sony to resolve the problem. I don't know if he was also hunting for MILFs when his problem occurred. If so, it would confirm my suspicion that hot, sexually promiscuous housewives have plotted to destroy computers.

I went to the Sony website, but it was one of the worst user interfaces I've ever tried to navigate. So I called the number and some lady with a MILF voice took my order. I gave her my credit card number and a few days later I got the disk.

So now I have a new computer. Kind of. That's because I had to reformat my hard drive and start from scratch -- with all the factory-installed settings and crapware that originally came with my Sony, but minus the files and programs I managed to acquire over the past year. So it's like new. In a way.

But at least it booted. All it needed was a test. I performed a quick search for MILFs and clicked on a link. It worked.

The way I see it...

"The way I see it..." is a bi-monthly column written by Bartholomew Jackson, the Sun Sentinel's oldest correspondent and the last living member of the paper's original editorial staff. Mr. Jackson's opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Sun Sentinel.

The way I see it...
Coffee ought not be served unless it is prepared with the proper attention. An acquaintance of mine who passed on several years ago once told me of a new "coffee," and I use the preceding quotations as a mark of proscriptive emphasis, that is meant to be stirred into a mug of hot water in the fashion of a peptic powder! Now I must ask you: what sort of self-respecting professional would allow his wife to fix him a cup of mess like that?
-Bartholomew Jackson

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"The way I see it..." is a bi-monthly column written by Bartholomew Jackson, the Sun Sentinel's oldest correspondent and the last living member of the paper's original editorial staff. Mr. Jackson's opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Sun Sentinel.

The way I see it...
The United States ought to re-think it's inclusion of Hawaii as state. Along with Alaska, another dunderheaded acquisition, Hawaii makes a hash of wall maps. Here you got this beautiful chunk of USA that looks almost like a cattle or some other large animal, and there's this little box out of nowhere holding up an ugly clump of islands. It looks like that cattle took a turd and out come Hawaii!
-Bartholomew Jackson

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"The way I see it..." is a bi-monthly column written by Bartholomew Jackson, the Sun Sentinel's oldest correspondent and the last living member of the paper's original editorial staff. Mr. Jackson's opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Sun Sentinel.

The way I see it...
If man was meant to mess around under the sea, God would've given him gills. My nephew Baxter, whose softheaded adventures I've written about previously, has taken up a new activity with his latest lady friend. They call it "diving" and it involves an apparatus that looks like something out of a Byron Haskin picture. Apparently, they board a perfectly seaworthy vessel, then abandon it to kick around like a couple of damn fool bullfrogs. I tell you, it's going to be the end of society as we know it. And it's all Baxter's fault!
-Bartholomew Jackson

Make sure you vote whenever voting time comes

We all know why Bush introduced an amendment to ban gay marriages. It's not because the spector of state-sanctioned man-on-man commitment threatens our way of life. There are plenty of real threats out there to legitimately worry about: giant terrorist bombs, gianter gas prices, dumb students, a bi-polar economy, Iraq, etc. The real reason for the new amendment is that Bush wanted to introduce a wedge issue that will motivate conservatives to vote in the midterm elections. Whacko, Old Testament conservatives, that is.

The Republican party is in trouble and they have no one to blame but themselves. They pushed Bush into office and backed him on every ridiculous decision with party-line bullshit. Now that his poll numbers suck, Republicans are streaming away from him in droves.

So Bush, in an attempt to mollify his party, retain control of congress and perhaps deliver a few volts to his critically ailing popularity, is serving up an issue that every daytime TV-watching ignoramus can sink his teeth into--gay marriage.

But here's the deal. We can laugh or grumble at his audacity -- his constant pandering to the lowest common demoninator and the cynical opinion the administration must have of us -- but it's going to work. Slack-jawed dopes will emerge over the same hilly path they cleared in 2004 to again vote for a non-issue. Which is why we have to vote. Really. We must get out and ensure this douche-bag trick doesn't bite us in the ass.

So vote. Whenever the elections are. And stuff.

Vote!